Surviving (and Thriving) as a Med Student Wife

My Little Med Student

I have to say, much of what I read about being married to a med student is very depressing. Horror stories of women who only see their husbands when he leaves at 6:00 AM to study, and comes home at 10 or 11 PM. Stories of women who hold dinner for their husbands only to have him text and cancel. Stories of women who cry in bed because it has been weeks or months that they've been doing everything on their own.

These stories, no doubt, are real. These are women of bravery and strength, and I admire their tenacity and sacrifice. I am not one of these women. Let me explain what I mean.

When I married Phil, I knew, at least somewhat, what I was getting myself into. Phil was very upfront about his professional goals, and said he needed someone to support him. In an almost Katniss Everdeen type fashion, I volunteered as tribute. In a similar fashion, I refused to play by the "traditional supportive wife" rules.

Of course, I did a lot of what is required of a student's wife. I followed him when we moved for school. I left my family to pursue his passion. I settled into a small town far from my natural habitat (I honestly can't think of a better way to describe this move to Moscow. If you know me, you understand.) But I also refused to be one of those women that I'd read so much about. I refused to let school or study schedules or classes dictate how my life would go or how my relationship with my husband would play out.

Now, full disclaimer here, my husband is incredibly intelligent. He would never say this himself, but he is very gifted. Lucky for me, this allows my demands on his time to be accommodated. He can spend more time with me because he already has such a solid grasp on the material he's taught. He picks things up faster, and that ability allows us to have a semi-normal life. I understand that this is not the case for everyone, and thus, my advice will not apply in all situations. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Ultimately, however, I feel that this advice can be applied to most women in my situation. Shall we dive in?

1. Don't be afraid to feel entitled. I believe Mindy Kaling said something similar to this in her book, Why Not Me?, and I think it applies perfectly to med student wives. Don't be afraid to feel entitled to time with your husband. Don't be afraid to ask things of him. Don't be afraid to express your frustrations, your emotions, your desires. You're his wife for goodness sake, not his maidservant. He wants to make you happy! If you're lonely, tell him! If you're tired of doing all the dishes yourself, tell him! If you're sick of handling all the bills yourself, tell him! You shouldn't have to bear the load all on your own, and if your husband loves you (as I'm sure he does), he'll happily step in to assist. Remember, this is your life too. 
2. Don't be afraid to compromise. I know that somewhat contradicts number one, but it also works in harmony with my previous advice. You're entitled to certain things, yes, but so is he. He's entitled to sleep, to eat, and to hopefully relax at some point. This means that he may not be able to do all that you would like him to do. I will never forget our first week of medical school. Classes hadn't event started, it was actually just orientation, but I couldn't believe how much I hated it. Phil was gone ALL DAY! I never saw him and quickly grew impatient with his lack of presence and assistance. And eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down that Friday (after we had a big fight) and told him how unhappy I was. I hated how he moved me to this strange city, where I had no support system, and then abandoned me to do everything on my own. And do you know what he said? He hated it too, because he knew I was miserable! So that night we had one of the most important conversations in our marriage. We established expectations. I told him my wishes about the next four years and he told me his. Together we made a list of compromises, rules if you will, that would keep us both happy. And that conversation has made all the difference. I can't say that we're perfect, or that we don't have bumps, but we have both loved our first year of medical school and I truly believe that this conversation is the reason why. 
3. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Maybe not all of you are like me, but I am one of those people who needs a sounding board. Many blogs/articles I read from other med student wives talked about finding other med student wives and becoming friends, since you share similar circumstances and experiences. Basically, just find someone who you can vent to that won't judge you. I don't think this needs to be another med student wife. I'm not exactly extroverted, so my sounding boards tend to be my lifelong friends and family members (Thanks Mom!). This works just as well. In med school, as in life, you will have days that you are frustrated and tired. You will have days where things seem unfair and that you hate the medical profession. That's cool, don't feel bad about that. Just make sure to find a trusted confidant that you can open up to about it. My friends and family have been so helpful for me during this process. They remind me just how short this time is, and how lucky I actually am. Med school is rough, sure, but compared to other life struggles, we're actually doing just fine. 
4. Don't be afraid of looking at your finances. Little disclaimer here, I have a job, so we're only taking out loans for Phil's tuition and nothing more. No doubt about it, med school is one of the most expensive graduate programs in the country. Next time you wonder why going to the doctor for a check-up can cost a couple hundred dollars, look at the cost of training a doctor and you'll understand. When we first started out, I was completely overwhelmed by how much this little piece of paper with an M.D. on it was going to cost us. And we're getting in-state tuition! But I've realized that this is a necessary part of the process. It's virtually impossible to become a doctor without going into debt (unless you opt for the military route). Live within your means, minimize loans, and try to get the best interest rates that you can. These loans are more than debt, they're an investment for your future.
5. Don't be afraid to get involved. I know nothing about medicine. Or science. I work in marketing, and my experience in science is limited to my freshman biology class (where I opted to take my B- instead of trying to take the final. By the way, best decision of my life.) But I've learned just how much it means to my husband when I show interest in what he's learning. I think part of it is because he knows I'm not naturally interested in it. Showing interest in what he learned in class, or helping him review flashcards shows my husband that I'm in this process too. He knows I'm here to help him and that makes him so happy. Plus, I've learned so much about the human body and gained a whole new respect for all these doctors do and learn to help all of us. So go ahead and mispronounce all the Latin words on his anatomy flashcards. No matter how badly you butcher it, I promise it'll make him smile. 
6. Don't be afraid to find yourself. This is probably one of the most important pieces of advice so far. Obviously this will mean something different to all of you. But for me, this has meant finding interests to fill my time. Phil still studies, A LOT! And much as I try to distract him so he'll hang out with me, I still have lots of time that I need to fill while he's busy with school. My outlets include books, Netflix, cooking, and painting (still a work in progress). Find things that you can be passionate about and that make you happy when your husband doesn't have time for you. Expand your mind and better yourself. Take advantage of time you have to do things you enjoy. Last year I had a goal to read 12 books during the course of the year. By the time we moved for school, I think I had read about 3-4. By the end of the year I had read about 25. Because guess what, when Phil was studying, I read. I read copiously. And I loved it! It allowed me to take a vacation from the daily monotony, and explore without leaving my couch. Now I'm not saying that you have to read books, but find your own thing. Find a passion or a hobby that will help you feel fulfilled. You will spend most of your day investing in your husband, in your job, or in your kids. Take time to invest in yourself. 

And there it is. My advice to future and current med student wives. I am by no means claiming to be a perfect wife, or to know everything about this process. But that doesn't matter. Make your journey your own. Quite apparently, my biggest message here is this: Don't be afraid. Med school can actually be an amazing time of loving, growing, and learning with your spouse. Just like a wise man once said, "We need women who know how to make important things happen..." You are that type of woman. Don't be afraid to go out and make important things happen. Not just for your husband, but for yourself.